Posts Tagged ‘Reel Clerk’

Reel Clerk: The Big Yin

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

As a wee lad my father would often plunk us down in front of the telly to watch many different comedians.  It was not often that any of us could make our Dad laugh, so to see people we didn’t even know get him going sometimes to a point of tears and banging his feet on the ground was always a treat.  But it was always Billy Connolly that could make my Dad laugh to the point of pishing himself.  And even better, Billy swore up a storm and our parents could care less, he was funny and that’s all that mattered.

Billy Connolly is a Scottish comedian, musician, presenter and actor. He is sometimes known, especially in his native Scotland, by the nickname The Big Yin.  Here are 10 videos highlighting his stand up career.  The language is often NSFW.  You’re affin a laf!

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Reel Clerk: film snobs, do we need em?

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009

snobby snob’by adj. One who affects an offensive air of self-satisfied superiority in matters of taste or intellect.  Earlier snob, cobbler, lower-class person, person who aspires to social prominence.

Aye the film snob, who’s mere presence at a dinner party will be sure to get yer blood boiling.  “Who is this tool going through my movies dawg?” That would be me.  Allow me to introduce myself, I am the film snob.  I come into yer hame and start sifting through your drek movie collection.  I will turn to you as you stare at me from across the room, and I will flash a shit eating grin shaking ma heed as if to say “nice try kid”.  I will then bring a complete stranger into the mix and point out yer copy of TROY to them and provide a contagious chuckle remarking “This was shit hey?” I will go home and stand in front of my own collection (ass-deep on a nine-foot Indian) ranging from 12 Angry Men to Z and feel the sudden urge to flex.  I will then go to ma kip and fall asleep thinking about how awesome I am to understand more than you when it comes to the art of film. (more…)

Reel Clerk: admit it

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

I have a dream. That one day I can go to the theater, pay the $12+ to see a movie and be able to leave without more hate and resentment in my heart than usual. Most of us are pretty happy going into a theater until the price of the movie sours it, add on the fact that if you want to join the troff for food and drink while watching a film you are looking at more than doubling your costs right there. I will admit I am a cheap arse, but when it comes to watching a film you won’t find me eating dinner as well. I will enjoy a snack well before the picture, let the mash digest and even relieve myself before exiting the hoose. Why would I want to sit next to someone who’s bowels are making noises let alone if they are scarffing down popcorn whilst the holocaust takes place on screen. Did you know that food was banned from screenings of Schindlers list? Why don’t we ban it from all films, add on a few more dollars to the cost of tickets and I will be a happy chap.

There have been countless articles on the subject with ideas and solutions to the issues surrounding movie theaters. Noise, pirating, and recently with the holiday showings of Benjamin Button…gun violence! No more will a person be able to film a ninety minute movie on their cell phone, great. Sigh, I could care less about the little pishers on the bus watching TRANSFORMERS on their IPods. There is a more serious problem in our movie houses. A sickness many people have to ruin others good times. Most importantly mine.

You are the bloomin idiot who just sat and watched a “turn off your fucken phone” ad and yet that ringing in my ear is coming from your pocket. You are the person who takes that call, and blether to someone while others look on in disgust, but don’t say anything. Granted, once in a blue moon someone will muscle up the courage and talk to the tit, but more often than not, the culprits get off free. If your call is so important, why are you watching a movie today? Unless it is Mr. Yamagoochi saying the deal is going through, hang it up bessie.

phoneusher

These people who refuse to eat before going to a show, or the people who already ate but “it’s a movie, I need my M&M’s”. Fuck me. I can’t handle the chewing with your mouth open, licking fingers and crumpling of the bag beside me. It is bad enough you stink like wristwatch sweat, but when you eat from the troff, show some respect to those around you. Oh, and who’s bright idea was it to serve hot food in theaters? I am sitting by a guy with a medium pizza! Serenity now.

You are the person who strolls in late, stands at the bottom of darkness looking around for your friend whom you would sit by and not talk to right? You walk around bumping around in the dark like Helen Keller. What? I said you are a deaf blind American author. You are the person in the lobby looking up at the posters, not really sure what to see. Then why the hell are you here? It angers me to see ignorant people in my movie house for the sake of being there. So after the show they can pimp outside the doors and blow some smoke as they text their buddies to let them know they were the first ones to see the latest Hollywood offer. If you do not know what’s playing, chances are you shouldn’t be there. I would rather see a movie with one odd looking dude in the back row and have me in the front row worrying about being ass raped, then to have a white Sean Jean jacket wearing tool disrupt my viewing. Damn kids and their loud music, with their white shoes, compact discs, and ear piercings.

mugmovieYou are the parent who brings their bairns to a movie that is either way beyond the age limit or…wait a minute, case closed, why are you bringing your child to a movie? Couldn’t stay home and rent? Couldn’t get a babysitter? Or is it that you not only forgot the condom when you were 14 but you also forget that bringing a child into this worlds brings on great responsibilities and sadly, will bring some things in your life to a halt, like all night partying and yes, going to the movies every Friday night. Jings!

The time is now. People of the city, the world. Stand up; walk promptly over to the dick on the cell phone, the mother smothering her baby’s mouth, and the fat chops sucking back the burger and say “No more will you ruin my movie”. When this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every screen and every seat, from every state, province, and every city; we will be able to fast forward that day when all of cinemas children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old John McClain spiritual, “Yippee ki-ay, motherfucker!”

Reel Clerk: fashions fades but my hate is eternal

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

You know that feeling when you are cleaning the bog and you have to take off the cleaning gloves and of course you touch the gloves in the process defeating the whole purpose anyways? Well that’s how I feel whenever I come across this fashion shit we are all submitted to every month.

fashbadgeDays ago at the Oscars, god oh mighty not a minute went by without some slapper talking about Brad and Angie’s clothes or Beyonce’s tits being “voluptuous tonight”. The whole idea of fashion is a mystery to me. The hate begins with musicians I think, why is it that every so called artist grew up wanting to make music, movies, clothes, perfume, and eventually hearing aid commercials? They didn’t, they couldn’t have because of course they grew up wearing rags and finding food on the streets. Right? Well that’s what the E true Hollywood Story or their ghostwritten autobiography says.

But I digress. The issue at hand is the meaningless mind numbing fashion bonanza that is shoved down our throats every time there is an award show. It’s bad enough that we are submitted to these shows that are let’s face it, basically there to keep the boners of the stars nice and hard, Viagra for the ego if you will. And telling me that there is a difference between men in tuxedos is granting me permission to kick your arse.

Question: What’s the difference between Sean Penn in a tuxedo and Jack Black in a tuxedo?
Answer: The Neverending Story III

cojerk
“I sold my soul for pie!”

“Oscar Red-Carpet Fashion: Best and Worst”. OMFG! LOLZ! Fashion! My dream! Fuck off. The following is an actual person’s rebuttal to an article on MTV’s website; I won’t post the link because I care about you a little.

“Reading this years MTV best and worst of the red carpet left something to be desired. I am not sure what credentials Jocelyn Vena has that allows such assessments but I strongly disagree with certain choices. Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress was fantastic yet it did not fit her! A woman of her glamour should realize a little bit of mystery is far more sexy…I didn’t have enough time to watch everyone on the red carpet last night and found myself here by searching for all the wonderful couture I missed last night.”

The search is over for the biggest wanker on the internets. The Haute Couture jargon spewed out by even the likes of Ryan Seacrest (surprise) comes off so forced and redundant. Picture your father sitting at home watching the show…how very awkward. Now imagine watching it with him. Yeah, ditto. A Bonnie lassie has every right to dress herself up, I like a woman who takes care of herself. I also like women with a little meat on their bones. The Oscars could have been a secret intervention for half the women walking in there. They stand there with their claes barley covering their visible ribs and I’m supposed to get hot and bothered? Bullocks. Everyone has a right to be ugly, but these people abuse the privilege.

sjpwallace

No one I have ever spoken with talks about the fashion at these shows in a positive light. It’s a waste of time and energy to show and talk about what people wear. The shows running even as we speak that highlight the best and worst are being watched by people who I can only imagine are bed ridden and the remote is lost in the sheets somewhere, poor bastards. So to all the “personalities” out there who give a damn about the fashion of the stars…haud yer wheesht!

Reel Clerk: gervais for god

Thursday, January 1st, 2009

Born: Richard Dene Gervais, but we can call him Ricky Gervaisobviously.

Writer, Director, Actor, Producer, and all around God.  If you don’t know who Ricky Gervais is don’t worry, you will.  Gervais took over my life years ago and I still have to get a Ricky fix everyday, whether it is a touch of his classic radio days on XFM, a world record breaking podcast, a clip from one of his sold out live shows, or even just some pictures of the man can do the job.  He loves what he does and loves sharing it with all of us.  Countless awards and accolades from all over the world, there is no stopping Gervais from taking over your world now.


I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first,
boss second. Probably an entertainer third.

Take a few moments here as I dedicate my first positive Reel Clerk article to my idol, Ricky Gervias.  By no means is this the life and times of Ricky Gervias, please do take the time to head to WIKI and Pilkipedia for a lot more information, I’m just here to hype! Here is the check list:

“Right, I’m just going to add to the list of people we’ve offended: Sorry to Jewish people, sorry to Chinese people, sorry to Welsh people, fat women, Elvis fans, animal lovers, lovers of great radio…” -Xfm Radio Show

Gervais worked as an events manager for the University of London until he was offered a job as at XFM London. Gervais, needing an assistant, interviewed the first person whose curriculum he saw, Stephen Merchant. In 1996 they were made redundant when the station was taken over by the Capital Radio group. Gervais and Merchant returned to XFM in  2001, for a Saturday show.

The show ran intermittently until January 2004.   This was the first time both worked with Karl Pilkington. Pilkington produced the shows and later collaborated with them on their series of podcasts and the rest is history.

The most downloaded podcast in history says a lot when it’s three guys sitting around talking.  Go back to the XFM days (links below), you won’t regret it.  Some of the funniest material from Gervias, Merchant, and Pilkington can be heard.  Unrehearsed and hilarious is the way to go.

“If you do a film about the Holocaust, you’re guaranteed an Oscar … that’s why I’m doing it: Schindler’s bloody List …” - Kate Winslet (Extras)

You really can’t compare the American version of The Office to the UK Gervais classic.  The most successful British sitcom of all time, award winning and highly praised by some of the biggest names in Hollywood.  Cringe worthy performances make this one of the most memorable shows of my life time, can you believe I still know people who will not give this show a chance?

Think that’s impressive, try following it up with another one.  Extras holds its own as a great counter part to The Office, we get just the right touch of comedy and drama as we did in The Office but add on some of the greatest cameos ever on TV and you have another must see, must own, and must love experience.

“I could solve the world’s problems (takes a swig from the beer)… If I cared”
-  RG Live Animals

He is absolutely irreverent, politically incorrect and says things everyone thinks but obviously don’t have the guts to say out loud. OK, so not everyone will like the Anne Frank jokes, but his comic genius is simply undeniable. Fact.  Endless sold out shows across Britain and the U.S. makes him a pretty big deal. Fact.  I would do a lot of things to get me a ticket to one of these shows, but say Gervais is a hack will never be one of them. Fact.  Watch them you must.  Fact.

So he took over Radio, TV, and even kids books.  Soon the bloke will be taking over your movie theater.  You saw him in A Night at the Museum and Stardust.  Now he is coming back for more.  Ghost Town, This Side of the Truth, and Museum 2.  I knew he was money, but when Hollywood finally sees it, boy howdy; mental.

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What more can you say?  A lot actually.  I wish I had a site of my own for Ricky Gervais so I could show the love all day, but I do know a few great sites and many links to help you all on your way to becoming Ricky Gervais fanatics.  I leave you with my favorite image of all time.

Pilkipedia – One of the greatest fans sites for anyone.  Quotes, Downloads, Pictures, and not to mention one of the most inviting forums for Ricky Fans.  Come one come all, except Glyn Hughes, piss off! (that ones for the boys)

Ricky Gervais – His own site, where he actually posts items himself!  Check out his latest news, where he will be, everything from his past, present and future projects.  Oh, did I mention film blogs.

-10 Questions for Ricky Gervais – TIME
-Another Letterman Show
-Ricky Gervais 80′s band Seona Dancing – He had cheek bones!
-Meet karl Pilkington - Oh please do.
-Ricky Gervais: New Hero of Comedy – A great 5 part documentary on the man.
-One of the greatest scenes in television history, he can act!
-Gervais Meets Garry Shandling – The Highlights, the awkward highlights.

There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I’ll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there’s nothing funny about them.  It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go ‘ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.’ Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he’s not, it’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.
- David Brent aka Ricky aka THE OFFICE.


I can die now. – Reel Clerk