In Defense of: Michael Bay’s NINJA TURTLES


T-u-r-t-l-e power!

So here is what we know: Michael Bay and his team of remake artists at Platinum Dunes (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror, The Hitcher, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street) are behind the upcoming reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Bay has since announced few details that have enraged many:

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”

Thus, people acted accordingly:


Michael Bay then responded to the feedback on his official site with the following:


“Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.”

He has since announced the upcoming live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie has been renamed simply Ninja Turtles, oh no he didn’t!

Like many people I grew up watching the TMNT; dressing up and playing with the action figures. That of course ended around the age of 12. There is a reason my age group only drunkenly adores the TMNT now, because watching old episodes of the cartoon or movies alone and sober would be boring as hell. It’s fun to be nostalgic, but there has to be limits.


No, please don’t take this away from me.

The 30-year-olds with pitchforks should defiantly take Bay’s words to heart and just chill out. Do they remember how each live-action Turtles movie got progressively worse? Remember the live-action TV show? Also, who is even surprised? Bay’s Transformers movies had barely anything to do with Transformers, so him giving the same sort of treatment to TMNT shouldn’t come as a swerve. The last Transformers movie made over a billion dollars. Michael Bay and his band of misfit filmmakers will keep rebooting 80’s horror and cartoons just as long as you all keep going to see his them.

“Paramount marketing changed the name. They made the title simple. The characters you all remember are exactly the same, and yes they still act like teenagers. Everything you remember, why you liked the characters, is in the movie. This script is being developed by two very smart writers, with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles. They care VERY MUCH about making this film for the fans. Everyone on this team cares about the fans. Just give them a chance. Jonathan the director, is a major fan of the whole franchise. HE’S NOT GOING TO LET YOU DOWN.”

You know he’s serious when he brings out the big letters.  So really my defense is simple: this isn’t worth fighting over and the backlash is embarrassing for all involved. Are they aliens? Will they be teenagers? Will they eat pizza? Here’s a better question, who gives a shit?

You childhood isn’t in danger. The comic turned toy-line that you so faithfully defend will be back soon one way or another. We have seen a faithful origin story; now take it from there Mr. Bay.

Ninja Turtles is set for release on Christmas Day, 2013.


Bring it on.